Who You Are and Where You're At

My senior year of high school, I was lucky enough to share a snippet of my testimony at a YoungLife fundraising showcase. The cardboard testimony is something done at a lot of YoungLife events, but for those not familiar, it’s when individuals walk on stage with a piece of paper or cardboard, and on one side it says something about their life before meeting Christ, and then the board is flipped to show their life after Christ.

For the life of me, I cannot remember what the first part of my testimony was, but it was probably something along the lines of “Felt I had to be perfect before God could love me.” The other side of the board said,

“Realized God loves me exactly where I’m at.”

I remember spending forever that day trying to perfectly word my testimony. But, man, I’m glad I spent that time, because that sentiment still rings so true, three and a half years alter.

The obstacle I seem to encounter over and over again in my walk with Jesus is this feeling. I’ve always been someone who has focused on improvement, and while that serves me well in a lot of ways, it often leaves me chasing after a version of myself that may or may not exist.

As of late, I had been on a kick of self-improvement. Trying to cook healthier, wake up earlier, work out more, cuss less, read more, go to bed earlier, hit snooze a little less, love and forgive more…. This list goes on and on and on and on. But lately, this path to improvement has felt more like a mountain without a peak even remotely in sight.

I realized that my constant journey to improve has left me chasing after the unattainable… I’m not sure there’s an attainable version of myself that works out enough, studies enough, doesn’t watch too much Netflix, is Christian enough, doesn’t cuss too much, and does everything exactly how I wish I could.

Today, as I was journaling in the beautiful Texas weather, praying to God to help me on this path of ‘improvement’ God said, “Enough.”

And all of a sudden, I was a senior in high school again, being reminded that God loves me exactly where I am, for who I am. God knows every version of me, and I am loved and saved right now—not in ten years when I do something right. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed to go to church or do Bible study, and I cuss way too much and mess up a lot, and God still loves me. There is not a Christian threshold that I have to get to reach for God to love me.

But wait, there’s more! Not only does God love me for who I am, right here right now, but because of that grace, I am called to love myself right now. I always try to observe Lent in some way, even though I am not Catholic, and this year I tried to give up negative body talk for Lent. Not only did I not want to stop verbalizing my toxic thoughts, but I also wanted to avoid even thinking those thoughts. I am beautiful and wonderfully made, and yes, my body (understandably) looks different than it did in high school, but it’s also healthy and lets me move and teach dance to the best kiddos I’ve ever met.

So, here’s to being enough. Here’s to knowing that God loves me exactly where I am. And here’s to loving myself exactly how I am.