Where the Heck Did Freshman Year Go?!

my trap house girls and the best people I know!!!!!!! y’all are my sanity

As I am writing this, I am just three tests, one portfolio, and one paper away from packing up my dorm room and making the ten-hour drive back to the Good Life. And just like that, my freshman year is over. In the words of Mindy Lahiri, “Ex-squeeze me?!” I absolutely cannot fathom that this year has gone by so fast. As cliché as it sounds, it feels like I moved in yesterday.

I know it feels like all my posts since I’ve been at college have been about college, but I feel like so much change happens in such a short time, it’s important to reflect on it all. This post is devoted to unpacking the major truths and lessons learned in the past nine months or so.

1. Family

Man, I have the best family. Seriously. I am really glad I went away for school, but it also made me realize how much I love my family. They’ve been so incredibly supportive, but it really sucks being away from my parents and my not-so-little brother. I miss their listening ears for me and Jackson’s witty commentary.

I’m so happy it is 2017 and my parents are just a cellphone call away, whether I need advice, need to recap my day, ask a question about something I should probably know, or just need a reminder of where I came from. I am thankful for a family that just seems to grow stronger with every change.

I’m also incredibly thankful that I fell in love with the same school my older brother did. Having Marcus here has been such a saving grace. I could tell him things that I knew he would get, just because he’d also been through them. Marcus has an amazing way of validating my feelings while also helping put them into perspective. He would never fail to remind me of what’s important and listen to me cry, even if it was in the middle of a Beta party—whoops.

1. Friends

There really is nothing like moving away to help see who your real friends are. I am so thankful for the friends that have stayed in my life since I’ve been down here in the Fort. Some of these friends reached out to me and I reached out to some of them. Someway, somehow, I have still maintained wonderful, supportive, strong relationships with some great people back home in Lincoln. They really have proved to be friends through difficult circumstances.

Coming to TCU, I was secretly so scared to make friends. How could I make any friends as good as the ones back home? I was sure I didn’t need any new friends. I would never find people like the ones in Lincoln, so I just probably wouldn’t make friends. I had all I need.

And then I met friends I never knew I needed. It may have taken some time, but I found some of the best friends I’ve ever known. The people I’ve met here have taught me what it means to be humble, kind, understanding, level-headed, hard-working, and just down right hilarious. To the friends I’ve made along the way: thank you loving me in every form and making my freshman year so memorable. And a special note to my trap house girls: I owe you all the world. Thank you for making TCU my home. I love y’all more than I’ll be able to explain.

1. Max

This has been such a learning year for both Max and I. We were both going through such crazy and exciting changes in our own lives, and we were also going through so many changes together as a couple.

Y’all, long distance is so freaking hard. I never expected it to be easy, but there are so many obstacles you just can’t even anticipate. I’ve talked about Max enough in other blog posts so I won’t go into too many details, but we’ve been through a lot this year, both ups and downs.

I think Max and I have both learned a lot about grace and patience this year. There have been quite a few times this year when one of us has had to love the other one more, give more, and forgive more. Whenever one of us is struggling, one really holds the other up.

To Max: Thank you. You have poured such grace and patience on me. Thank you for so confidently believing in us and what we’re capable of, even when I couldn’t. Thank you for every time you’ve listened, every tear you’ve wiped away, every FaceTime, every single laugh, every song you’ve sent me. You complement me in the best way possible and bring out the best in me. You challenge me to have more fun, never plan too much, and laugh harder. I know this year has been anything but easy, but I would never want to pursue this journey with anyone else. I didn’t know I could be this happy, and certainly didn’t believe I deserved to be. Thank you, for everything. I love you so damn much, Max.

1. Health
   

2. Physical

I always had a pretty positive relationship with my body growing up. In high school, I was dancing one to four hours every day and had a pretty solid metabolism; this made it easy for me to eat whatever I want, while being slim. I was happy with what I saw in the mirror.

And then, just like everything else, my body changed a lot when I came to TCU. I began going about my health and my body all wrong. Determined to fight the freshman 15, I became obsessed with the number of calories I was consuming. I stressed out way too much about the two medications I was taking that impacted my appetite, my bra size, and my weight (never mind that these medications were for equally important health issues). I was no longer dancing, and I was not learning how to work out on my own properly. I didn’t care about becoming stronger or healthier—I cared about working out to lose weight.

So, fast forward to now. After a lot of reflection, I have learned to be conscious of what I’m eating, without obsessing. I still allow myself to indulge my sweet tooth, within reason. I’ve gotten into a routine of working out almost every day, and I actually enjoy pushing my body’s limits. I work out to become stronger and prouder of my body, not to lose weight. Since the beginning of the year, I have actually put on fifteen pounds, but I’m able to say that most of that is muscle. I now weigh 145 pounds. A while ago, knowing I was 145 pounds would have terrified me, but now I’m proud of what my body can do. No, I’m not stick thin, but I am strong and I have boobs and a butt.

This year I learned your body is going to change as you age, and that’s okay. Learn to care more about health, not weight. Most importantly, love yourself!!!!!!!

1. Mental

This fall, I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. On a scale, my anxiety is on the milder side, but it still something that greatly impacts my life.

I think I’ve had anxiety since about my junior year but, as discussed in another post, I always thought it was something I brought on myself, and was therefore something I needed to take care of myself. Now I know that there is help out there.

A few months into freshman year, I found myself in the mental health center on campus. The wonderful faculty there helped me work through how to handle my anxiety, and I began medication, as well as counseling and a mediation & breathing techniques class.

Through my anxiety, I’ve learned a lot about mental health. Please know that if you have a mental illness, you’re not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. It is chemical. You’re still a person, and you are not defined by your illness.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned about mental health is that, unless you also have a specific mental illness, you’ll probably never fully understand what someone is experiencing. It’s important to listen and try to understand, but know that it’s okay to not understand how someone can just have an anxiety attack. That’s okay, and all you can do is just try to learn more. Please take the time to read up about common mental illnesses, like depression and anxiety.

1. Success

Being in college, you’re surrounded by one thousand different opportunities to get involved in. Very quickly I learned that one letter of rejection is probably God’s way of directing you to where He needs you to be.

1. Myself

Wow, I don’t think there could be a blog post long enough about what I have learned about myself this past year.

I have learned to be okay spending time with myself. I actually spend a lot of time by myself, whether it be working out, walking to class, or doing homework. And I LOVE it. In college, it is easy to be constantly surrounded by people, but I have learned that I need time to myself to recharge. I’ve learned how to ask for that time and I’ve learned that being a bit of an introvert is completely okay.

I have learned that I am emotional as hell. Among my friends, I am the ‘crying friend’. I just cry a lot—about the good, the bad, the funny. We currently have a bet to see how many times I will cry this week (the total is currently at twelve). It’s something we laugh a lot about—and that’s okay! I am emotional—sometimes over emotional—but that’s not something to be ashamed of. I never have to apologize for being in touch with my emotions.

I have learned that I am never too much. The amazing friends I’ve made this year have never made me feel like I’m too much for them. This was a feeling I struggled with a lot in high school. Since being in college I have been surrounded by people who accept me exactly where I am. They push me to be better, but they never make me feel bad for being too loud, having a dumb laugh, or trying too hard.

I have learned that I am brave and resilient.

I will never forget when Max’s mom texted me a few weeks into school and told me that Max had told her how brave he thought I was for coming to down to TCU. I remember just feeling so scared and crying to Max, so brave was not a word that I would have used to describe myself.

Now, I know that I am brave. I have gotten through one of the saddest, scariest, loneliest times in my life, and continued to push through. I never lost hope that things would get better and that God had a plan for me.

1. Faith

Wow. My faith has been tested so many times this year.

I was in a very comfortable place with my faith before I left for college. And shocker: it was very quickly turned upside down

Again, I have written a blog post a lot about this, so I won’t talk for too long about it. But I have learned a lot this year about how big our God is, and how small I am. There will be so much I will never have answers to, and that’s okay because God doesn’t ask us to come to Heaven with all the answers. I’ve learned that God wants us to love people. Right where they are. We’re all very broken humans, and I really believe love is what binds us all together. We’re gonna fall short time and time again, and that’s okay because we have a God who doesn’t.

I can’t tell you the number of times I learned this semester that God’s timing is absolutely flawless. Quite a few times this year, I have been feeling a bit lost in my faith, and God always makes things happen at just the right time. This morning I attended a church in Fort Worth that I had yet to try. I never really found my church home this year, so needless to say, I was apprehensive.

However, within minutes, I felt God just breaking down my heart—in the best way possible. I was surrounded by people recklessly abandoning their fears, laying their hearts out, singing at the top of their lungs, and really, truly worshipping God. The theme of the worship this morning was about being refreshed by God. I’ve had a lot on my heart this week, I was feeling burnt out by finals, scared to leave TCU and anxious about returning home, so I was in dire need of refreshment. And I felt a peace come over me that I hadn’t felt in weeks.

I ended up at this church by just a random suggestion by a friend, it led me to fall before God, reminded how greatly I need Him, and how frail I am.

So, in conclusion, this year has been the absolute best, craziest, most emotional, most fun, fastest nine months of my life. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am in love with so much of my life, and I know that’s all because of God.

I will never really be able to articulate all the lessons and memories I’ve been given this year. All I can really say is thank you. Thank you to everyone that made this year happen: Thank you to TCU, Red Bull, my family, Clif Bars, Milton Daniel Hall, my friends, Max, the Trap House, and of course, Jesus, for the best nine months of my life. I owe you all the world.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”// 1 Thessalonians 5:18

#worry #longdistance #May2017 #Texas #TCU #relationships #excitement #anxiety #life #church #family #college #lessonslearned