When We Fall Short

My best friend, Anna, and I. She was my source of consistency and confidence this year.

I used to have complete confidence in myself. I was taught that I could do anything I set my mind to, and I always did. I believed in myself, and I was able to look at myself and think, “Good job, I’m proud of you.” I didn’t spend hours picking myself apart, I didn’t look in the mirror and see all my flaws, and I didn’t bag on myself when I messed up, because, honestly, I just didn’t really mess up.

Then, sometime during my junior year, I became very insecure. I had some really hard times and I didn’t really love myself. I was very aware that it was happening, but there was nothing I could do to pull myself out of the rut. It sucked.

I’m now beginning my senior year, and I won’t lie, I’m still not back to where I used to be. I still seem to spend a lot of time finding all of of the things I’m doing wrong. I still have days where I don’t feel great, but I’ve learned to spend time on building myself up.

How did this happen? How did I go from complete self-confidence to complete insecurity?

1. I strayed from Jesus

I stretched myself way too thin last year. I had been told that “Junior year is the most important year to colleges” and I, being the forward thinker (a nice term for “kind of psycho”) I am, took that saying to heart. I did everything I could possibly do. I knew that my senior year would be the chance for me to step up in the things I care about, and I wanted to prove my abilities. This often lead to me staying after school for an hour to meet with a teacher, then volunteering for Student Council, then dance for two hours, and homework. It was really hard to get around to devotional when I was finishing homework at midnight and hadn’t showered yet. This wasn’t a day-to-day basis, but to put it simply: I was busy. I didn’t lay aside the time I needed with Jesus. Without having God’s word in my life everyday, it was very hard for me to remember what was important. The Bible is God’s love letter written to each of us, and without that in my life, I couldn’t live each day remembering that Jesus died because of God’s love for me.

2. I put my confidence and identity in inconsistent things

I used to pride myself if being the girl that had it all going on. I did everything, and I did it well. But then, I failed in about everything I had always been good at. It was like every part of me had been taken away from me. I had absolutely no idea who I was. That was probably the hardest part about last year. I had to learn that I am not defined by my failures, but additionally, I am not defined by my successes. I am worth so much more than my ACT score, or my officer position, or my class rank.

Additionally, I put my confidence in people. And sometimes, people don’t want you back. I learned that, and when people don’t want you back, it’s human nature to feel like there’s something wrong with you. While people are great, they’re emotional and inconsistent, and when you let them define you, it often leaves you hurt.

3. I didn’t spend enough time with people who built me up

Last year I was constantly surrounded by people, and sometimes those people tore me down. I have amazing friends who do love me and believe in me, but I did not spend enough time with them. I did not listen to their brilliant and wise advice. I let what others were saying get to me, and what some people had to say was just plain mean. And I still put myself in situations where I wanted to be their friend. If someone didn’t like me or didn’t want, it tore me apart. I had my heart broken, and I cried a lot. I became incredibly paranoid and if someone was talking to their friends, I assumed it was about how annoying or stupid I was.

4. I became so obsessed with being better that my best was never enough

I’m a girl of progress. I always know that I can do better and I push for my best. Last year, I was never happy with what I did. I could have done one more turn, I could have edited that paper one more time, I could have kept my mouth shut and not made my team angry. I was so caught up in the “coulda, shoulda, wouldas” that I refused to look at my present day. I became laser focused on the future, and that stopped me from seeing how far I had come. I still see that in my life now, but I’ve learned that I have to be happy with myself and how far I’ve come. I know progress is important, that can’t prevent me from being proud of myself and taking a moment to look at what I have done.

This post seems really negative, and insecurity isn’t super fun, but I’m here to say that it gets better!!! Like, so much better!!!!!! Spending time with Jesus, and the beautiful people in my life, has helped me believe in myself again. It’s helped me love my life exactly where I am. I totally have days where I feel gross and unaccomplished, but I know that in every way that I fail, Jesus succeeds! I don’t have to be perfect to be lovable. Jesus died for every part of me, even the parts that I don’t think are successful.

“You are all together beautiful, my love, beautiful in every way.” Song of Solomon 4:7

#August2015 #lessonslearned