Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear

DISCLAIMER: This blog, while it may not seem like it at first, is a message of hope. I promise. This is a message of the work God does even when you don’t see or feel it. This blog is a message of the abundant love and grace God has to pour out on you. It’s a message to anyone who feels like they’re changing, and they’re not sure if it’s for the better or the worse.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

Well, here I am. I am officially done with my first semester of college. What?! I swear yesterday I was just moving in and now here I sit, waiting to make the ten hour drive home for Christmas.

I know they say you learn a lot about yourself in college, but that might be the biggest understatement ever. I have learned more about myself in the past four and a half months than I probably did in the entire first eighteen years of my life. I have learned how I handle struggle and what I do when I am sad or questioning myself. I’ve learned how introverted I really am. I’ve learned how much I struggle with change.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

For two years now, I have had an internal struggle with anxiety. I’ve written in previous blog posts about how hard my junior year was for me; the immense amount of pressure I put on myself resulted in a lot of anxiety. It wasn’t unbearable, but it definitely wasn’t making my life any easier. And throughout junior and senior year, I thought I could handle these problems myself. I understood my anxiety to be my fault, and I had to take care of it.

But coming to college, the anxiety just intensified and made life almost unbearable. I would wake up anxious, not even wanting to attempt to get out of bed and face the day. It began to seep into my relationships with people, hurting the people I care about the most.

Finally, after yet another day ending with a phone call in tears, and with the encouragement of my parents and Max, I finally sought help for my anxiety.

And let me tell y’all, even though I’ve said it one thousand times, and I’ll say it one thousand more times, GOD IS SO GOOD. For so long, I thought my anxiety was something I could handle on my own. I let it dominate my thoughts, and ultimately, my life. But God gave me resources and people at TCU to get me the help I needed.

There is a stigma around anxiety. Some people think it’s made up. Some people think it’s weakness. But anxiety is a chemical imbalance. It’s that simple. Somewhere, along the way, my brain got a little messed up and it made things harder for me.

But, there is help out there. There are people to talk to you and medications to take and resources to be taken advantage of and people who want you happy and healthy.

When I think about how to describe my anxiety, the best word for the job is fear. Anxiety is the fear of anything and everything your brain can think about (and overthink about). Anxiety is the fear of the future.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

This blog is a place where I’m supposed to be transparent, and I have to be transparent right now: my faith is currently in a very weeeeeeird place.

Not a bad place. Just weird.

I have always been known to be really committed and strong in my beliefs. It was a part of my identity, and something I’m so proud of.

Of course, it’s pretty easy to be strong in your beliefs when they’ve never been challenged in your comfortable life.

Since being in college, just about everything I’ve believed in has been challenged: my faith, my ideas, my values, what I believe about my dude Jesus. Everything. When everyone around you is growing and changing and making mistakes, and so are you, your world is kind of thrown upside down. Some of my friends did things they said they wouldn’t, which was a hard lesson I slowly learned is just a part of college. People change, and, even though it’s hard for me, most of the time it is, or eventually will be, for the better. New opportunities and choices opened up to me in college that I had never been exposed to before college (we all know what I’m talking about). And for a while, that was terrifying. Naturally, I felt really confused and didn’t know who I was as a person.

This semester I took a class called “Understanding the Bible” which was all about studying the Bible. It was an incredibly eye opening and interesting class. I loved it. But, it left me a little… frazzled. I realized how much of the Bible I didn’t understand and how much of the Bible I was misinformed about. I think sometimes we forget that the Bible was written about humans. And humans are flawed. Yes, some of these authors were prophets who God spoke to, but it’s important to remember that the Bible was written by humans who were just trying their best to get to know God. I am not discounting or lessening the Bible, because it’s such an important book, and always will be. It’s a testament to the amazing God, the things He does, and the Son He sent. But there is so much context and history behind the Bible, and it’s our duty as Christians to explore it deeply, and repeatedly, until we feel confident in God’s message to us.

So, here I am, already struggling with so many newfound questions about my faith, and then I learn that the Bible wasn’t this book I thought it was. Of course, I FREAKED out. There were about two weeks where I was afraid to even open up the Bible because I didn’t want to read any passage “wrong.”

This idea of getting Christianity “wrong” was just fueled by being at TCU. The opinions and beliefs of others left me exhausted. College is great because you’re surrounded by completely new people, different from you. But college is also confusing as crap because you’re surrounded by completely new people, different from you. I found myself comparing my faith and ideas to everyone around me, and it just ended up leaving me more confused than ever.

I was so worried about getting Jesus “wrong” that I ran away from Him.

I let fear of the unknown, the fear of challenge consume my life.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

But wait! The list of fear in my life continues!

Max and I have been going through a lot of questions within our relationship. Every decision we’re making and every discussion we’re having is like most other couple’s, except we’re 600 miles apart. I have been praying both for and about our relationship every single day, hoping that we can make the right decisions for our relationship. I have had to take the ideas from the church that I accepted without thinking, and figure out what they meant in our relationship. Basically, I was worrying all the time.

Two days ago, I finally just broke down to God. I began praying to God about all the stress I’ve been feeling about Max and I’s relationship. And instead of hearing what I expected from God, I just heard him say, “Trust me.” All of these things I thought God would tell me, all these things I was concerned with, didn’t even seem to matter. He just told me to trust Him. Even though my relationship with God is arguably the strongest and most consistent it’s ever been, I don’t think trusting in God’s plan for my life has been my strong suit this semester.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

So… that was a lot of information, but what I’m trying to get at is that this semester was full of a lot of fear for me. Anxiety as fear, fear of the future, fear of disappointing God, fear of not being happy, fear of getting Christianity “wrong”, fear of missing out. Just a lot of fear.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

But the GREAT news is that God’s perfect love casts out all fear. Throughout this confusion, even about my faith and my perception of Jesus, I’ve never felt like God has been far away from me. He’s always been nearby, waiting for me, loving me, pursuing me.

If I have learned anything above all else this semester, it’s that love is what makes this world go around, and love casts out all fear. Not only do I have a God that loves me, but I have a God who gives me people on this earth that love me so reflectively of Him. I have been wrapped up in so much love this semester, more than I ever could have imagined possible. My friends back home love me from 600 miles away. My parents loved me enough to know that their little girl needed to leave home, and they continue to love me even when I don’t call home as much as I should. My boyfriend loved me enough to pursue me the summer before I left for college, and he continues to love me every day in such a gracious and personal way. My friends here at Texas have loved me in every state I’ve been in, which includes attempting to not wear pants to the BLUU, being very overdramatic, crying, stressing over school, crying, missing Max, and crying some more. My sorority has given me role models that exemplify the phrase “Real Strong Women.” My roomie has listened to me tell stupid stories and have life talks about Jesus even when we had to study or she probably wanted to go to bed.

I have been given so many people who love me just a fraction of the way God does, and that is mind boggling and freakin’ awesome.

So, this semester has just been absolutely crazy and amazing and emotional and hard and beautiful. I experienced fear in such genuine ways. I was anxious and unsure a lot of this semester. But the good news is that perfect love casts out all fear. I am surrounded by heavenly and earthly love that casts out the fear in my life.

I have learned to take ownership of my faith. The fear and panic I felt when I began to question my faith eventually manifested itself into such a genuine curiosity about Jesus. I love doing devotional and spending time in the Bible every day, with the genuine intent of learning more about Jesus. I have learned that I am going to have differences in viewpoints about Jesus with some of those around me because we are different people!!!

I have learned that Jesus is so great and so full of love and I am on this earth to try and love people like him. I know there are so many other ideas about Christianity and Jesus out there, and I’m gonna figure out what I think eventually, but until then I know that God is good and He loves me and He loves His people, and I am supposed to love Him and His people.

Perfect love casts out all fear. // 1 John 4:18

#worry #Texas #TCU #anxiety #December2016 #life #college #lessonslearned