Jesus is Perfect and People Aren’t, Okay

Chandler is one of the many people who has loved on me while I’ve been here at TCU. I’m very thankful for this almost roomie turned friend, who is always a listening ear and source of Godly love in my life!

I’m about to do something very unlike myself. I don’t have a plan coming into writing this post. No end goal. No ‘lesson I’ve learned.’ But I’ve felt God saying that there’s something on my heart that needs to be said. So I’ve decided to just write, like I often do in times of overwhelming emotion.

I need to be completely honest: these first five weeks of college have been incredibly hard. They’ve been filled with so many emotional ups and downs. I can wake up great and excited, and by the end of the day I am overcome with sadness. Some days I’ve woken up not so great, overcome with anxiety over absolutely nothing. I have been homesick, and missed everyone I love more than I thought possible. I have had self-image issues I’ve never had before, and have just felt so ugly.

I have felt so alone.

I have met some amazing people, and had genuine fun, but often times, I’ve felt like college has just kind of sucked, and I’m just sort of existing, waiting to be happy.

Two months ago I wrote about how we shouldn’t get too attached to our own plans, because the Big Man upstairs is in charge. Ironically, that is exactly what I did coming into college. And, shocker!!! Those were not God’s plans!!! College has already looked so different than what I expected and planned for, and that has been a tough obstacle to overcome.

Just about everything here has been challenging or new. My relationships back home have already changed, some for better, some for worse. I have had to choose what organizations I’m going to make a priority. The sorority recruitment process was long and exhausting, filled equally with fun and disappointment. I have had to find new communities where I can grow in my faith, far away from a church and community I was comfortable in.

One new challenge in it of itself has been dating long distance. I truly thought I would be good at long distance, and, honestly, I have not been. (As if I had any way of knowing I would be ‘good’). I have brought so much crap and endless overthinking-induced worries into Max and I’s relationship. I have put all my struggles and anger and sadness on Max. I haven’t made things easy. At all. I would even argue, even though Max would disagree, I made things much harder.

But, yet again, Max has proven to be such a blessing. The love and patience that boy has showered on me has been absolutely humbling. Long distance absolutely sucks, and I would do just about anything to be in his arms right now, but the distance has just continued to prove to me what an amazing man I am with. I fall for him more every day. Long distance really has made our relationship stronger. I have FaceTimed Max and just cried, and days have gone by where I’ve said nothing positive. And he continues to love and pursue and cherish and choose me every single day.

As amazing Max has been, I realized I had been expecting Max to be my rock and support system all the time. But even a man like him cannot take on all of my burdens—only Jesus can.

PEOPLE AREN’T PERFECT. JESUS IS. Coming into college, I had not realized the impossible standards I hold people up to. As I have been here, I realize I’m expecting to find perfect friends who never fall short. I was expecting Max and I’s relationship to be perfect. But, hello!!!!!! People aren’t perfect. Jesus is. I was becoming obsessed with the Godly men and women on this campus because it seemed as if their lives were perfect. They were loving Jesus and loving their lives. But no one is perfect, and neither are their lives. We as humans are messy and that’s why we’re on this earth. People aren’t perfect. Jesus is.

I think my belief that people are perfect stems from my obsession with comparing my life to others. I never really had bought into the “Social media is toxic” idea before. That was, until one night I found myself a half hour deep into looking at girls’ Instagrams, feeling incredibly lame and lonely, as these girls’ lives seemed so much better than mine. I was comparing my lives to every girl I saw on social media, every girl in my classes, every girl back home. I felt like everyone else was living the dream in college, and I was just trying to feel less lonely.

I kept struggling with this comparison until a week ago when a friend back home said I looked like I was having the time of my life at TCU. I realized then, that I was just as much one of those ‘perfect’ girls on Instagram. People will always look happier & more fun on their social media than they are in real life. Don’t fall into the belief that people are having more fun than you, have more friends than you, and that their life is going exactly as they planned. I promise that everyone is struggling, everyone is hurting.

Comparison is so toxic. I found myself thinking that other girls were living the life I wanted. But, I’ve realized, no one is perfect, and God has orchestrated one billion things for me to be where I am. I’m exactly where I need to be, and so is the girl next to me in class, and so is the boy in my residence hall.

We’re not perfect. But we’re loved by a perfect God.

God is so good and his timing is perfect. God has continued to pour blessings on me exactly when I needed them. I got plugged into a YoungLife Bible study two weeks ago, and even after the first get together, I felt so much better and so comforted, just by being surrounded by Godly girls. He’s given me devotional and speakers and worship just when I need it.

The perfect example of God’s timing happened just two nights ago. In the middle of YoungLife last night, I was debating on reaching out to one of my brother’s friends, just to talk to someone about how I was feeling. I was experiencing another wave of sadness, something that I’ve known will pass. As I left, I pulled out my phone to find a text from one of the exact girls I was considering reaching out to. This girl has been a positive light in my life, and given me hope here at TCU. And she had texted me, wanting to meet up this week. I then proceeded to cry ridiculously in the bathroom, because it was one of the most distinct moments I had ever seen God working in my life, and I was overcome with how good God is.

Our God is awesome, and people are awesome. Not perfect, no, but awesome nonetheless. Last week, in my blessing of a YoungLife Bible study, we went around and said our highs and lows. In my naturally oversharing way, I said that I was having a really hard time adjusting and that I still felt so lonely. And right away, I was met with so much love and support. Three different girls from my group reached out to me and asked how I was doing and said they were there for me. People are amazing and love so well. The friends I have made here have made me feel so loved and welcomed. While I have been dealing with a lot of struggle, I can think of few times in my life where I’ve felt more supported and hopeful.

So there it is. Just about every thought and emotion I have been feeling over the past five weeks. This post took a lot to write, but I know there are so many other people feeling the same way. If you’re feeling so alone and lost, have hope. God is so good. Chase after him if you can’t seem to find yourself.

P.S. If you’re struggling in any way, please never hesitate to reach out to me!!

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that can’t be shaken, let’s continue to express our gratitude. With this gratitude, let’s serve in a way that is pleasing to God with respect and awe, because our God really is a consuming fire. // Hebrews 12:28

#college #lessonslearned #relationships #September2016